‘I‘m falling in love with a man who’s just out of a 12-year relationship – and still lives with his ex’

Dear Roe,
I’m 55 years old and have been on my own for about five years, while I was bringing up my daughter, and decided it was time to try dating again. I went on to Tinder and met this really nice guy. We’ve been seeing each other about six weeks and are really enjoying each other’s company. I know I’m developing feelings for him. My biggest concern about him is he is only coming out of a 12-year relationship – he’d been single for about six weeks when we met and he is still cohabiting with his ex. I think they were hoping they could continue with this situation, but he told his ex he was dating and she has decided she can’t deal with that. She split up with him. I know he’s really torn about the break-up and I’m not sure whether, if she gave him the indication, he would go back to her. The other red flag is he tells me he has a lady friend whom he talks to every day but they are just good friends. I’m not sure if she was ever involved with him. He’s also told me he had not had an intimate relationship with his ex for many years. This is a red flag to me. Do you think I’m crazy to get involved with someone so fresh out of a relationship with so much baggage? I know I could fall in love with him!
Do I think you’re “crazy”? No. Unwise, perhaps. Dramatic, definitely. Only a dramatic person would say “I know I could fall in love with him!” after six weeks. Only a dramatic person would see all the complications surrounding this man and still be all in, so early on.
Don’t get me wrong: I’m dramatic. Less dramatic than I used to be, though I know my much more grounded partner is still bemused (and hopefully occasionally charmed) by how many very intense emotions I can be feeling at any given time. The world needs dramatic people who feel things very deeply. We’re the poets, the activists, the artists, the idealists, the hopeless romantics. We see beauty and potential in the world, and where there’s potential, there’s hope. But therein lies the vulnerability of the hopeless romantic – we can often be so seduced by potential that we overlook reality. You have to be very mindful when you’re blurring the line between being clear-eyed about the challenges facing you and having faith that your bond can persevere, and when you’re projecting a fictional version of a person and emotionally investing in that, rather than acknowledging reality.
One very easy way to discern that difference is to slow down. I’m sure this man has some lovely qualities, but after six weeks, you are still firmly in the honeymoon period. You’re romanticising everything about this man. He’s on his best behaviour with you. You haven’t seen him through a variety of situations (including what he’s like when living on his own) – you simply don’t know him very well. You’re taking the little you do know about him and filling in the rest in your imagination. You’re falling in love with the potential of him, not the reality. Slowing down, being clear-eyed about reality and gaining more information about him and his situation will help prevent you from emotionally investing in a person and situation that may result in some heartbreak.
The fact that he wasn’t two months out of a 12-year relationship when you met is a cause for concern, especially as he wasn’t the one to end the relationship. Some people can begin to emotionally divest from a relationship while still in it and be ready to move on quickly, but there is always going to be a lot of emotional processing to do. This doesn’t preclude anyone from getting into relationships quickly, but again, self-awareness is the key here – this time, for him. Is he self-aware about his role in his previous relationship dynamic, and its end? (If he just blames his ex for everything, get out now.) How does he view his relationship with his ex? Is he self-aware about how difficult it will be to emotionally disconnect from his ex, process the break-up and become emotionally available to you while still living with her? What is his plan there? I understand that the housing crisis has forced a lot of exes to live together longer than they would like, but is that even the situation here? When is he planning to move out, and what steps is he taking?
One giant red flag for me is that he told his ex he is seeing you. Even if she ended the relationship, she is also likely to need time to process, grieve the end of a 12-year relationship and make practical plans to separate. Her ex, who still lives with her, telling her about another woman he has been dating for a few weeks feels unnecessary, disrespectful and potentially a form of manipulation that could indicate that he’s trying to hurt her or provoke an emotional reaction – which itself could be a sign that he’s still emotionally invested in her. At worst, it’s cruel; at best, deeply insensitive. Even if you have the utmost faith in his intentions towards both you and your ex, he still lives with her, which means you have no idea what your lifestyles are like when he’s separated, or whether they’re compatible – the reality of your lives, not a hypothetical. You need to have time together to see what a life together would be like, to see if you have shared values and goals for the future, and whether he’s able to move towards those goals – things you cannot tell now, when his daily life and future is still tied up with his ex and their home.
[ ‘My girlfriend has serious trust issues. I’ve stopped mentioning any women, even in passing’Opens in new window ]
There’s also the fact that you don’t trust him, with his ex or his friend. Either he’s not trustworthy, you have some trust and control issues, or a blend of both – again, these are things that will become clearer if you slow down, hold back from emotionally investing so deeply, and start looking clearly at the reality of this man, his situation and all the things you don’t know. You don’t have to have the answers yet, you just have to acknowledge that you don’t know the answers, and resist the urge to fill in the blanks with your romantic imagining of his potential. In slowing down, I’d also urge you to look at yourself. What is propelling you towards this man and his not inconsiderable red flags with such urgency? Are you scared that you won’t find someone else who is both physically and emotionally available? Are you prioritising any connection over the right relationship? Do you want to be seen so deeply that you’re not seeing him clearly? `
You’re embarking on a new chapter of your life where you’re opening back up to life and love and yourself as an individual, not simply a parent. It’s an exciting time. But maybe try romanticising your life and potential, and try protecting it by being very clear about the people who will help you to be the best version of yourself, instead of spending all your energy on those who are not ready for you or worthy of you.